She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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