Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
