I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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