I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
