I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
