I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
