Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
