Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
