I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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