Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
