Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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