What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
