Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
