You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
