What did we do last night that was yellow?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
