I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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