____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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