I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
