I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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