i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
