he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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