Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
