Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
