any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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