I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize