I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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