As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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