Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
