Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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