Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
worst night to have a conscience
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
