All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
