My hair reeks of homosexuality.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
