Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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