theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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