i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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