Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
