Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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