Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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