The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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