nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
