cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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