how hairy? two words: wookie tits
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
