I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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