i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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