in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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