Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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