Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
