he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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