so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
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The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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