sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
