If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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