Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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