it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
