Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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