Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Is it because I queefed?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
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So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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