I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
