meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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