I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
