Me too!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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