last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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