I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
