i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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