I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
