...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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