Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
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Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
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I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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