My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
